Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
