I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
