maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
