Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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