Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Randomize
