i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
