dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize
