I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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