currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Randomize
