I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
