ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
