trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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