I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize