Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
