I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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