And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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