Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
