Apparently you make a good broom.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
