Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
