i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
