i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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