I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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