It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
