Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Randomize
