Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
