Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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