yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
