Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
