better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
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