Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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