I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Randomize
