Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I want a musical about memes.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
