If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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