chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize