he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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