Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
