I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
