I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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