I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I wish they made helmets for livers.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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