and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Randomize
