You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
