I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
one might say we're banned from that church
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
