What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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