what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize