Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
