I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
