just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
