My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
