Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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