Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
