there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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