Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
