If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You are a booty call, not a friend.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
