I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
