it's too hot outside to masturbate.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
