My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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