Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
