Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
