i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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