i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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