i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
soo... how was my night?
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